Divorce & Blending Families

Have you ever heard that 50% of all marriages end in divorce? Well, that’s not true. The divorce rate has been falling and now there is about a 75% chance that couples will stay married. Those are some better odds that may make you more likely or willing to get married. Another shocking statistic is that 70% of divorcees say, just 2 years after divorcing, that they could and should have saved the marriage. 70% of men get remarried only 2 years after divorcing. 72% of people die still married to the same person they married. 62% of marriages that are remarriages with children end in divorce. It may seem like the odds are against you at times but here are some things to consider. It takes blended families, on average, 2 years for some sense of normalcy to occur. When you are blending families there are some things you should be aware of. You may be bringing 2 different cultures together. Your parenting styles are likely to differ immensely. You carry experience and baggage, whether it be positive or negative. This can be hard at times but with lots of communication, these things can work. Just because you have talked about it though doesn’t mean it is going to work right off the bat. Just because you are on the same page theoretically, doesn’t mean that it will look the same when putting into practice. So, it may take multiple times of talking it over until you are truly on the same page both mentally and in action. When blending families, it is important that the birth parent is the one disciplining their children. This may be harmful if the stepparent is doing the disciplining because they don’t have a bond or connection with that child compared to the birth parent. This could push the child further and further away and make them resent the step and birth parent. Once that bond is broken or you have pushed away, it will be hard to fix that relationship. Children are usually very sensitive in this stage of divorce, death or remarriage and need to have a sense of security and stability. Children need to have their needs met. This is the most important thing. As a stepparent, if you strive to meet the child’s needs then they can start to bond with you and become attached because meeting their needs may be one of the most important things in their lives at that moment. It will build that trust between the two of you and will also show them they can rely on you and that you care about them. When it comes to divorce, there are different stages of divorce. There is emotional divorce when the emotional connection is gone between partners. This may occur before, during or after the divorce. The legal divorce, when you are legally not married anymore. Economic divorce, when you figure out the nitty-gritty things, like who’s debt is who’s. Parental divorce, when you figure out how to divide up the children. Community divorce, when you figure out who gets to be friends with who. And psychic divorce, when you finally accept that you are not married anymore. Something to keep in mind if you want to have a clean divorce is to not think of the other person as the adversary. This will help you with the divorce and will help your children still have a relationship with the other parent. Divorce and blending families are not easy. I’ve experienced this in my own life with my dad passing away suddenly when I was barely 15. It isn’t easy and I wouldn’t say that there is one equation for every situation. Just remember that this is a sensitive time for everyone. Someone’s happiness is coming from someone else’s tragedy when blending families, whether it be because of a divorce or death. Just remember at times to take a step back and try to see things from the other persons perspective, whether it may be the stepparent, the birth parent or the child’s perspective. 

Family Rules- The Unspoken

Do we have unspoken rules and expectations within our family or certain relationships? I can think of a few unspoken rules that my family had that were never necessarily said to me, but kind of just learned. One rule was that we all ate dinner as a family. No one ever said we had to or made a rule about it, but it was just expected of us. We also always went to our siblings’ activities or sports games to show our support. We also always knew which seat at the dinner table was moms and which one was dads. The kid’s seats didn’t matter but we knew where our parents sat, and we would all fight to sit near them for dinner. I still have expectations or unspoken rules that my husband doesn’t know about and that I may get frustrated at him for not following at times. This isn’t fair to him either. When we grow up with certain rules, we expect others to live by them as well. Whether it be roommates, companions or spouses. It is very important to talk about these things with your fiancé before you are married and make sure you are both on the same page. I think it is always easier when my husband knows and understands my expectations and when I know and understand his expectations. It helps things run smoother then it would have otherwise. Also, just because we vocalize our expectations doesn’t mean they are correct or right or something you should enforce in your family. That is a conversation you and your spouse need to have. You are the ones who decide what you want to perpetuate and teach within your family. Being on the same page will help with this tremendously. Something else to remember when you are creating these unspoken rules, even if you may not even know you are, is that you are the example for your children. Whether the unspoken rule is something positive or negative, they will pick up on it. It also depends on the feedback we give to our children when enforcing rules. If the feedback is positive it will probably be something that they will want to incorporate in their life later on, but if they are always getting negative feedback, they will either know that that isn’t something you want them to do and also, they won’t want to perpetuate it into their future lives and families. As an individual, you can evaluate your life and your decisions and rules and pick the things you want to perpetuate and start practicing that in your own life. Then, when you find a partner then you two can discuss what would be the best for the two of you and your family. It is important that this decision is made together or there will end up being expectations that are unknown, and people will become dissatisfied. There will be miscommunication, and this can affect way more than just the things you want to teach your children, but it can lead to a lot of hardship, hurting and struggle in your relationship as husband and wife. Think back to some of those unspoken rules that your family had. How did those play a role in your life back then and how are they playing a role in your life now? Look around you and try and observe maybe others unspoken rules. Observe the rules you know and see if they naturally follow those. You may start to see that most do not. This is something to think about. Begin to be aware and try to see things from others perspectives, as this can help you so much in the future when you are trying to understand your spouse’s unspoken rules or ideas he brings to the table. 

Parenting 101

There is no equation for parenting. Parenting is a hard gig that completely is based on the child and the parent. Something isn't always going to work for every parent or every child. That's why there is no solution or one size fits all when it comes to parenting. The question you need to ask yourself is, what do you want to accomplish in parenting. Do you want to have your kids be independent, love unconditionally, teach them skills, help them come to know God, how to manage money, help them gain self-esteem, know their self-worth, or help them know who they are? Whatever you want to accomplish with parenting, if you know and understand this then you can parent productively. A good website for tips and resources is https://www.activeparenting.com so go check it out. One thing I want to emphasize in this post is focusing on the child's needs and not just behavior when parenting. In moments of stress or despair, you may want to jump to only focusing on behavior, but what will really have an impact on your child? A lengthy lecture, a beating or punishment, maybe a hug or a talk about what was right or wrong or even how they are feeling in the moment and try to understand why they are doing or acting like they are. Children have several needs that need to be met including but not limited to: contact (physical contact, giving them a sense of belonging), power, protection, withdrawal, and challenge. Children need to feel like they have power over their decisions and over their life at times so that they don’t feel the need to rebel to get what they want all the time. They need to be protected and taught in a way that helps them understand their boundaries and the why's behind your protection. They need to learn how to take breaks from things and to go back at it after the break (teaches them to keep trying and also things in moderation can be healthy for them in many different ways). They also need to be challenged so that they learn that they can do more than they may think they can at times. As parents, if you focus on these needs then you will help your child reach their full potential. If you become a lawnmower parent (different than a helicopter parent) and don’t allow your kids to recognize or experience consequences in their life, then they will suffer immensely when they get out into the real world. If you focus on the child’s needs and allow natural consequences to occur, then that will help them learn more than you could ever teach them by lecturing them or punishing them. As a parent, you should offer contact freely, teach your child to contribute, give them choices (real choices not just between two things you have chosen), allow natural consequences to teach them (help facilitate that teaching), teach them to be responsible for things (especially their own actions), teach them to be assertive and don't punish them for it in times of frustration. Give them opportunities to be assertive. If you truly want them to be that way in the real world when you aren't there. Also, teach them to forgive because even if they are assertive, they will still get hurt so we have to teach them how to forgive those around them (you as a parent should be an example of this and should apologize or show your child when you are wrong and how to handle it). Overall, just love your child and help them learn and grow, not just to simply obey you. This can and will change their life. Helping them be able to make their own decisions when you are not their and how to accomplish things that are hard can do wonders. 

Father Involvement

Fathers are so very important. Fathers are to provide, preside and protect their families. The Article I will be referencing in this post will be linked at the bottom of this post. The first thing I want to talk about is how the father influences his family. The father is so essential to a child's social skill development. The father helps influence the children in a way that the mother can't, and vice versa. Fathering behaviors can have a lasting effect on the child's outlook and behaviors in life. Fathers have a bigger responsibility with their children then I think they realize sometimes. 

The second thing I want to talk about is how positive fathering can lead to academic success and even career success in the future. If the father has a positive outlook on school and education and respects the idea of learning and teachers teaching then the child will follow in that way. Research shows many other things like this when it comes to fathering. Positive fathering is much needed for the child's growth, development and success, especially when the mother's support is lacking. 

Fathers are so important for many different reasons. How has your father influenced you? For better or for worse? How do you want to influence your children or the people around you? What do you want to teach your children? Fathers usually provide for his family. This is important because the children need the mother in the home to nurture them and help them learn and grow and to build that bond with them. There have been several studies showing the negative effects of a mother working outside of the home, things like loss of income due to lifestyle changes because of jobs, kids not attaching to their mother, not having extra money because things that were once luxury are now a necessity because of the cash flow that is readily available. It becomes harder for the mother to stop working because of that very reason. The family now depends and relies on her income to support their lifestyle. 

My father definitely influenced me a ton while he was in my life. My father died suddenly when I was 15 years old. I can definitely see the influence he was able to have on me and my older brother compared to the little influence he was able to have on my little brother and sister just because of our age when he died and how long he was in our lives for. Things have definitely been different without him in my life. I can see what my younger siblings are lacking from what my older brother and I have because of his influence. My dad taught me so much from soccer/sports tips or budgeting and saving money and being thrifty, to working hard for the people and things that we love. 

In my future family, I want to allow my husband to have an influence on my children in a positive way. I think one way that I can make this happen is by always speaking positively about my husband to my children. I don't ever want them to have to take a side. I want my husband to feel like they are his children too and that he isn't just a child himself that I am also taking care of. I want us to make decisions together regarding our children. I want them to look up to my husband. I want him to be involved, even if he doesn't have too much time to spend with them, just making sure he gives quality time. 

I think another way to ensure positive fathering with my husband and children is allowing my husband to preside, provide and protect our family. I will definitely support him in all his efforts and help him as well. I think helping him fulfill this will be a great example for my kids to witness. They will come to know what kind of man my husband is and how they can be more like him. Don't ever underestimate the power and influence that fathers can have on your children. It can change their lives, so let it. 


How Father and Father Figures Can Shape Child Health and Wellbeinghttps://thefatheringproject.org/fpwp/wp-content/.../11/New-Fathering-Research.pdf

Communication is Key

Communication can be very confusing. Do you sometimes feel like you are operating a walk-in talkie that is on a different channel than the person you are trying to communicate with? I definitely feel like this sometimes. Are we expecting the person we are talking to “get the hint” about what we are saying or the reasoning behind asking them what we asked them? I am guilty of this as well. Communication is so important because even if we encode what we are saying in a different “language” that we think the person will hopefully understand, doesn’t always mean that the other person will decode the message how we expected or wanted them to. Communication is important for understanding and knowing expectations. There are 5 key steps to communication that I want to share. The first step is the disarming technique. This is when you find the kernel of truth in what someone says when you have a disagreement. It may be hard at times but if you find one simple little truth in what the other person is saying then they will feel validated, their guard will go down and it will also help yourself be humble and willing to listen to why they feel the way they do. The second step is to express empathy in thought and feeling/emotion. It is good to decode and encode back to the person breaking down what you understood from how they are feeling and what they said to clarify. The third step is to inquire. Talk more with that person to further clarify and to ask them if you understood them correctly and explain why you may have been wrong. It shows them that you care, you want to speak and hear the truth, and that you are willing to listen and understand them. People often repeat things h til they are convinced you to hear them and got what they were saying. The fourth step is to explain a moment in the argument starting with the when (situation, event), I feel (emotions), because (thoughts), and I would like (share hope). If you fill in these blanks then the person can fully understand why you are feeling the way you are and how they can help the situation. The last step is to express genuine, authentic, admiration and appreciation. Make sure you are avoiding any forms of corrupt communication such as sarcasm, being passive aggressive, giving the silent treatment, or anything gag is impure or not the real deal. Talk about things and help clarify. Communication is not a bad thing and can solve a lot of your problems. I hope these 5 steps can help improve your communication with everyone around you.

Under Pressure🎶

What is stress? Stress is placing importance on something. It can also be defined as pressure. A bridge needs pressure to hold it up and our bones need stress, pressure or gravity to allow them to grow. So, stress is not always a bad thing. I want to start out by talking about the difference between stress and distress. Distress is extreme anxiety, sorrow or pain. So, we tend to misuse the term stress when actually stress is something good for us to help us grow and to give us good pressure to motivate us to do more than we may think at times. Today, many people see stress as bad and negative, even if it may be good stress. People are becoming more and more stressed out by things that they probably shouldn’t. What are some things that stress you out sometimes that may actually be good and healthy to help you learn and grow? I know I can definitely think of a few. Imagine your life with no stress at all. What would motivate you to get out of bed, to go to school or work, to pay your bills or do get anything worthwhile done? I know I would have a hard time managing my time if I was never under any kind of pressure to get it done. Just think of all the hardships in your life that you may have been through. When you are sharing that experience with someone you may explain how hard it was, but I always find myself saying how grateful I am for those experiences because they have taught me so much and I’ve grown closer with those that helped me through it. If you are the person that thinks that keeping your stress inside and to yourself, that actually isn’t the best and won’t help you relieve it and balance it. If you think about 4 people standing in a circle holding hands and someone tugging on one person shoulders the others compensate for that and share the pressure, so it makes it easier for that person. If they were to all let, go and not help then they would all still be affected by the pressure and would probably fall down. This is the same in real life. If you try and handle distress by yourself then it will end up affecting everyone around you anyways but if you include them in it and share that burden, then it can be evenly distributed and balanced. Another way to think of it is if you just accept that life is difficult it won’t matter if it’s difficult anymore.

Another thing I want to talk about is what your brain tells you. Your brain is just an organ and can’t tell between truth and lies and it just simply processes what you tell it. So, depending on what you tell your brain (yourself) that is what your brain will take as truth. If you tell yourself every day that the world is a terrible place with bad people, then your brain will process that and then continually make you aware of things that are harmful or bad for you. It will become very negative just because of what your brain now thinks is true. That is why depression is so vicious. Ask yourself, “How many tragedies have I suffered in my life that never occurred?” or in other words, what have you told yourself that your brain processed as truth and now you act on that lie as true and suffer because of it. Just think about it. Simple things you think can turn into a truth in your brain. So be careful what you think and what you tell yourself repeatedly. Try to stay positive and it can help your stress levels too, both positive and negative stress. 

Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy is something often avoided or not talked about by adults but maybe sometimes discussed too much by teens and younger children. I want to talk about things that aren't normally discussed and how understanding your own desires and body can help you have a more fulfilling marriage and relationship as well as help your children understand what sexual intimacy is and how to approach talking about it with them.

First off, I want to help you understand how to be comfortable in intimacy. One big part about being comfortable is knowing how to communicate and what to communicate to your partner. This starts with trusting them, loving them, being committed to them, practicing over and over and your willingness to be open and honest with them. Communication can work miracles when it comes to sexual intimacy. Your partner may not even know what you like or what feels good to you and at that moment you need to communicate that to them. Things can naturally become more or less sensitive in different moments and one thing that worked or that you liked before may not work in a different moment. This is why you need to communicate. The male and female bodies are very different and require different approaches when it comes to sexual intimacy. Males tend to get aroused quicker and orgasm quicker than women and this can be a struggle for many. This is where communication comes in. You need to trust your partner and be willing to understand them and focus on them. Men and women sex drive also peak at different ages, men being at the age 18-19 years old and women being around the age 30-35 years old. This can either be difficult or it can be a blessing. This vast age range can help rekindle the fire in later years and also keep things going a lot longer.  Also, after men are satisfied it will usually be 2-3 days and then the drive will go up whereas, with women, they will usually be more aroused right before their period. This can cause some issues just like the other things if the male feels like the wife may not want him for other reasons when in reality her hormones and body just says otherwise. It is nothing personal. After sexual intimacy, a male is typically tired and just wants to eat or fall asleep whereas women want to cuddle and be close. This can be hard and the women may feel as though the man just got what he wanted and is done with her. Again, this is just something the body naturally does and he isn't trying to ignore the women. It will take some work to communicate what works best and how you feel so that everyone is satisfied and validated. Also, if the women are stressed or thinking about other things or things she needs to get done, she will most likely not be easily aroused and when a man is stressed or has a lot on his plate he will be easily aroused and will want to be satisfied to relieve that stress. So keep that in mind when you are trying to help your spouse. Just remmeber that having good sex is not natural and is actually quite rare unless practiced and communicated very thoroughly and thoughtfully.

So, as we understand more about our own sexual intimacy with our spouse you can better help your children learn about it in the right way. You can help them know how to communicate with you as parents and then later on with their spouses. You can help them understand how it will be a learning experience and how it is something very beautiful to be shared as husband and wife. Obviously teach age appropriate things to your children but it should start around the age 6 or 7 if not even sooner than that these days. Start simple when they are toddlers but if they ask questions be willing and prepared to respond. Don't rely on schools, teachers, or other kids to teach your children about these sacred things. It is important that they have the right outlook and perspective when it comes to such a delicate thing.